Christmas is coming… oh shut up
As much as we may wish to deny the reality, Christmas will soon be upon us. Our inboxes fill up with Christmas marketing emails, catalogues come in the post and the shops fill up with decorations. While the organisation involved in ‘doing’ Christmas can seem overwhelming, for the majority of us, the pleasure, the fun and the social occasion that is Christmas usually outweigh any organisational headaches beforehand. We cope with the logistics by focussing on the positives and usually that involves talking about it with friends, asking how the Christmas shopping is going or asking where and who we are spending it with (if not working that is)! Our spirits are lifted and we increasingly look forward to it.
However, in our personal excitement we can easily forget that for many, Christmas is the worst time of year. Rather than Jingle Bells, it is Jingle Hell. It is when the contrast for teens (and others) between what life is and what they want it to be becomes all too stark. When financial disparities between the haves and the have-nots is displayed in full technicolour; when there is no expectation of a gift because there is no expectation of care; when festive cheer equates to festive beatings for themselves or for family members1; when cuddling up round a roaring fire with family members is a dream conjured up from the cold of a park bench or underpass2, or the loneliness of a children’s home. 3
So when we meet with young people in the run up to Christmas we need to be really careful about our topics of social chat. Of course you are not going to be able to completely avoid the topic of Christmas, but I would suggest that you don’t start mentioning it too soon; it will only prolong the pain for those who hurt at this time.
When you do mention Christmas, make sure you are light-footed and not stomping around in Santa-weight boots. Don’t make throw away comments like, “ah, it’s nearly Christmas. Exciting isn’t it?”. “Well no actually you idiot”, is bound to be the verbal or non-verbal response if Christmas is a difficult time. You will do some serious damage to your working relationship this way.
Instead tread carefully and start from the position of assuming that Christmas is difficult for them until you learn otherwise. So you could say something ambiguous along the lines of “All this Christmas stuff is pretty mad isn’t it?”. You will probably find that they will interpret that statement relative to their own experiences. If Christmas involves Dad getting drunk as a skunk and being violent, then ‘mad’ will equal ‘angry’ and they might think you are referring to this. If on the other hand, Christmas is an okay time for them then they might think you mean that the Christmas shopping crowds are crazy. If they hate that everyone seems to get presents but them, then they will probably respond by saying how exchanging presents is stupid.
If you are sensitive about how you approach the subject, the run up to Christmas can sometimes actually lead you to getting crumbs of information as to what goes on in their personal lives that can be explored more deeply, either at the time they are mentioned or later if more appropriate. Christmas is a mental bookmark for most people. We all remember that big argument that Mum had with Auntie Liz, or when the turkey was burned or the Christmas tree fell down etc etc. So too for those with painful Christmas memories. Everything about the festivities can bring back those memories as they act as visual and auditory triggers. Something as simple as hearing a common Christmas song can transport someone back to a difficult time such as when they watched their mother be beaten by their father.
And so too comes a warning. In my experience Christmas can be a time when teens who otherwise seem to be doing okay, completely lose the plot because of those memory triggers. They don’t know how to cope with the surge of emotions, and often they do not consciously realise that this surge of emotions is because of the association of something to do with Christmas and a painful suppressed memory. So if this happens, it could well be worth exploring with them what Christmas was like for them.
Some teens take a more pre-meditated approach to their behaviour in the run up to Christmas. Some teens will cope with "everyone else" getting presents and not them, by going on a Christmas shoplifting spree. In their minds, this is only fair. I have also known some characters who were being supervised on community supervision court orders to go out on a spree of criminal activity just before Christmas to try and ensure they were imprisoned over the Christmas period. That is how bad Christmas at home (or in a care home etc) can be for young people. Again, if you are to help them then finding out what Christmas means to them is an important fact-finding mission and can help you to intervene appropriately.
And while you obviously have to be sensitive to cultural differences and that some teens do not come from Christmas-celebrating cultures, I would add an important caveat. While some teens’ families do not celebrate Christmas, you cannot escape the fact that for the majority, it is Christmas time. So Christmas may be difficult for them because they feel they miss out on the family bonding that can occur because their family doesn’t celebrate, or that they feel like they don’t fit in. Or parents might behave differently around Christmas because they struggle and worry about how their British born children are coping with their dual cultural identities, or they might start becoming obsessed with their religious cultural heritage to try and counteract the effects of Christmas. Just ignoring Christmas as an event is more culturally insensitive than acknowledging it, as it makes out that they live in a sealed box where the majority culture does not affect them. Again, Christmas in this context can become an interesting starting point for exploring teen’s day-to-day lives, including their cultures.
All in all, Christmas needs to be approached with care. It can provide opportunities for exploration as well as being a highly volatile chemical cocktail that can wreak some messy negative results, at least in the short-term. So just be sensitive, tread carefully and if you are so inclined, spread some festive cheer yourself by sharing in some Christmas ritual like eating far too much chocolate. Afterall, sadly this might be all the Christmas cheer they get to see this year.
1. US Domestic Violence agencies report a 30 percent increase in calls over the Christmas holidays. Increased financial pressure, increased alcohol intake & greater time spent at home during the Christmas period are cited contributory factors.
In 75% to 90% of incidents of domestic violence, children are in the same or the next room.
The link between child physical abuse and domestic violence is high, with estimates ranging between 30% to 66% depending upon the study. (Women's Aid)
2. 28% of children in care in the UK are placed in children's homes (Who Cares? Trust). Some will be allowed to visit a family member at Christmas, increasing the sense of abandonment in those left behind.
3. On the basis of those accessing support services, it was estimated that between 2006 and 2007 in the UK, 43,075 young people aged betwen 16 and 24 experienced homelessness. (Joseph Rowntree Foundation)
