Crap… this is me

Hello, this is me.

Me if I could talk, me if I could express myself, me if I wasn’t so broken. I want to let you in, into my world, into my thoughts, into the very essence and core of who I really am. I don’t know if you realise this, but I am more than what you see me do, more than the difficult buggar that most days you could strangle.

Please don’t give up on me. I know I make it hard for you, I deliberately make it hard for you but it’s not through hardened malice, it’s through fear,through brokenness, it’s me trying to survive. Stupid thing is that what I do to survive doesn’t really help me survive, it pushes me further under, drowning me that little bit more each time.

That’s why I need you, that’s why I need you to stick with me, to show me how to really survive and hopefully to one day actually live.  I don’t really want to be like this, but I need to be shown another way and I’ll only let you show me if I can trust you.

Problem is, trust is a rare commodity. I don’t know what it is. I’ve only learned from others how to abuse it and that includes you lot- the people who are supposed to be helping me. I need to learn how to trust, but you’ll have to show me what it means. It’ll take a long while but I will get there, just give me a chance. You’ll have to be a persistent sod, I’m sorry, but I play my cards close to my chest and I don’t like people looking at my cards. Whenever they do I end up being screwed over, so forgive me if  I don’t like you looking over my shoulder.

Forgive me if  I tell you to ‘fuck off’ more often than a raging alcoholic has a drink. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and that’s why I need you. That’s why I need you, once I’ve established that you are not a complete nob-end tosser who is going to screw me over that is, to help me understand why I do what I do, basically what the hell is going on in my head so that I can try and fix it and start doing this living rather than surviving-but-actually-drowning thing. Making good choices and shit. And who knows, I might stop swearing, but I can’t make any promises. Swearing is the least of my worries. But I think you at least know that.

Sam Ross regularly posts news items, research and resources to the social media outlets on the left. Click on them now to link up with Sam and to keep abreast of what's new!

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