Please see beyond my crap

I like to hurt people, to lash out, to destroy. In fact, most people think I am a total piece of crap. But you should know that my crap is only skin deep. It’s not really who I am. Problem is, even I forget that most of the time. The crap is so deep, so well stuck on that it almost becomes an integral part of me. It’s my second skin. But that’s not really how I want it to be.

You see, I’m just covering myself in a protective layer, cos I have this nugget, this awful truth inside me that I don’t want you or anyone else to see. It’s not golden and shiny, it’s a dark dirty thing, like a lump of coal. Hell, I don’t want to think about it, let alone let you have a butchers at it. My nugget is pretty horrible yet straightforward, a contained fairly neat nugget but my friends ones are a tangled mess of strands. And our nuggets are the key to why we do what we do- our destructive behaviour, our vileness.

The thing is that you can’t really help me fully until you know about my nugget. But I won’t tell you, in fact I will do whatever I can to stop you from scraping away all the crap in order to get to this damned truth. In fact I’ve buried it so deep that half the time me and my mates don’t even know what our nuggets are, but they are there. So you’re a bit stuffed really. But deep down I do desperately want to share but I’ve come across so many idiots that I am very reluctant to do that very thing. So I’ll swing from making progress, to throwing rocks at you, desperately trying to make you go away. You’ll end up thinking I’m a total nut job.

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To get anywhere you’ll have to be patient with me and you’ll have to work on building my trust. Prove that you’re not a tool, a total untrustworthy idiot. Do that and some of the crap will probably fall off naturally. Then I might be able to scrape some of the other stuff off for myself, with your help. At times I’ll probably add some more too if I’m scared that you’re getting too close to the truth. And then one day, if you stick with me long enough, a gap will appear and I’ll spill my nugget. And then me, the real me will emerge. It will be a wreck, it will be vulnerable, but I’ll still be freer.

And then you have to help me rebuild, ‘rise from the ashes’ as they say. Cos you can’t strip me bare and leave me standing alone in the cold. If that happens I’ll cover myself in a deeper layer of crap than there was in the first place and you will have achieved a lot- a worse, more damaged person than you started with who is even less likely to disclose the truth than before. Fact is, most of us ‘supershits’ have had this happen to us at least once.

So please, please, please be a help and not a hindrance. It will require patience and toleration of my mood swings and erratic behaviour. If you focus on uncovering my nugget then maybe you’ll be able to cope better with my behaviour. Like if you focus on the fact that I am only covered in crap, and that I’m not really crap to the core. But when that day comes when I emerge, it will have been worth it. You will have really helped someone and made a difference. Oh my days, I will be SO grateful.

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