Hello, this is me.

Me if I could talk, me if I could express myself, me if I wasn’t so broken. I want to let you in, into my world, into my thoughts, into the very essence and core of who I really am. I don’t know if you realise this, but I am more than what you see me do, more than the difficult buggar that most days you could strangle.

Please don’t give up on me. I know I make it hard for you, I deliberately make it hard for you but it’s not through hardened malice, it’s through fear,through brokenness, it’s me trying to survive. Stupid thing is that what I do to survive doesn’t really help me survive, it pushes me further under, drowning me that little bit more each time.

That’s why I need you, that’s why I need you to stick with me, to show me how to really survive and hopefully to one day actually live.  I don’t really want to be like this, but I need to be shown another way and I’ll only let you show me if I can trust you.

Problem is, trust is a rare commodity. I don’t know what it is. I’ve only learned from others how to abuse it and that includes you lot- the people who are supposed to be helping me. I need to learn how to trust, but you’ll have to show me what it means. It’ll take a long while but I will get there, just give me a chance. You’ll have to be a persistent sod, I’m sorry, but I play my cards close to my chest and I don’t like people looking at my cards. Whenever they do I end up being screwed over, so forgive me if  I don’t like you looking over my shoulder.

Forgive me if  I tell you to ‘fuck off’ more often than a raging alcoholic has a drink. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and that’s why I need you. That’s why I need you, once I’ve established that you are not a complete nob-end tosser who is going to screw me over that is, to help me understand why I do what I do, basically what the hell is going on in my head so that I can try and fix it and start doing this living rather than surviving-but-actually-drowning thing. Making good choices and shit. And who knows, I might stop swearing, but I can’t make any promises. Swearing is the least of my worries. But I think you at least know that.